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donât be scared
Ok, don’t panic⌠If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank goâ”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.â
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because Iâm giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill⌠and my $100 grocery billâŚ. and my $100 insurance bill!
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Letâs make âdoor pantsâ a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasnât trending anymore*Monkeyâs paw finger curls up*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.