You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night