Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*