This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
🍞🦆
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.