Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
You Might Also Like
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Who does Amazon think I am?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher