Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
You Might Also Like
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I think the cat got the dog high.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight