I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.