As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.