sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
You Might Also Like
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.