Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen