client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Thursday Thought.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Cutest fight ever.. 😊