N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
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Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
#inspiration #foodforthought
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
all bases covered
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
That took me a moment.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.