me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.