I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
You Might Also Like
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort