Most fashion shows these days…
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My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,