Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop