dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.