Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another