handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
wait.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope