INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend