My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
No, I don’t think I will.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.