Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
You Might Also Like
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.