Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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estão todos miauvindo?
Do not levitate over flowers
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
everyone’s a critic
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.