my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Anyone want a chair?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?