I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
(2022)
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀