*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too