I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.