“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.