Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
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Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.