mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.