Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
thank god the sign was there
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…