Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.