Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?