My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
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When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?