Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this