I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me: