[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!