Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.