I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]