Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
What if the weather talks about us?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.