I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car