[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
who will stop them
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
my mind
You just read my mind
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Best seat on the street 😍
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”