Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Happy thanksgiving
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.