“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
no!! no!!!!!!
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
scenes of unspeakable carnage
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU