You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
You Might Also Like
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I said I liked it rough.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.