People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?