This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”