My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.