wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Never forget.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
one of
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Autocorrect completely socks
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I mean…but I did
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.