Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
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[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured